I wrote this essay about yoga as a path to motherhood as a contribution to a book that was recently published by Flower of Life Press — Practice, Wisdom from the Downward Dog. It is my first publication and has laid the ground work for my solo effort. It’s a literary stepping stone, and it’s a testimony to the power of yoga and how life off the mat is effected by time spent on the mat or cushion. Staying with what is. leads you to your own truth. If you would like to buy your own copy and read the other personal and raw stories included by 47 yogis then click the book title link above which will take you to Amazon. And if you feel called to place a review on Amazon, that would be warmly welcomed too!
In the book is a link to a free gift to accompany your own practice in learning to stay with what is. You will receive a half hour guided meditation practice as well as a Yoga Nidra practice that is designed to help you remove deep patterns of limiting thinking and behavior so that you may awaken your heart-led creator self in daily life. If you enjoy reading this post, and feel this practice could assist you also then at the end is a link where you can receive the free gift, because I feel like gifting it.
Learning to Stay: A Yogic Journey to Motherhood
Like the Goddess, Yoga kind of snuck up on me, and asked me to stay. Whatever it threw at me, or dug up from within me, the invitation was to stay with it, and breathe through it. Even when “it” was a diagnosis of infertility, yoga promised that staying with it would move the energy of fear and resistance through my body and teach me to hear a deeper wisdom.
When I look back at my youth into my twenties, I could declare it as time epically wasted. If I were still in blaming mode, I would lay it on the drunken hummingbird living inside of me. She was looking for a different me in a different reality, not believing she would ever be whole—unless I became a mother. Yoga would teach me to see this drunken hummingbird as my greatest teacher—a bold, brazen and mysterious goad for the kind of balance only physical health can bring.
In my early twenties, Yoga began to awaken my hummingbird, dry out her wings, and gradually encourage her to fly a different path. Transparency, honesty, deep connection, and Truth slowly became much better ideas around which to pivot. The practice of yoga was slowly seducing me from within, one mini awakening at a time. In hummingbird fashion, I fluttered back and forth between the bottle and my practice. But, with yoga, daily life began to feel better, safer, and more manageable—no matter what Truth was unfolding in the world we were living in.
Yoga’s “Eight Limbs” offered a structure within which to climb the unpredictable and messy realm of this soul’s experience as infinite potential embodied in precious human form.
Transitions, pain, and discomfort on the mat mirrored how I navigated life off the mat. The way of the yogi eventually became just a better way to live. Being present with my breath, sitting in silence, moving through asanas, keeping my body-mind clean and clear, honoring the sacred guidelines, and staying with and breathing through whatever came up taught me to respond to life more intelligently than I had been. And a confusing world started to reveal an order to the chaos.
In my thirties, a skillfulness that came from beyond me started to dance through my spontaneity. A more present hummingbird was being born within me, and she began to trade fear, nervousness, and resistance for self-love, understanding, and acceptance. I was starting to embody radical Trust as the deepest Truth was seeking to emerge.
The wisdom flowed when the dance between the intentions of my little self and the Divine Self alchemized so that the vortex of creation that I Am channeled an intelligence of its own. I started to receive the deep seated knowing that my little self was not in control. And in the face of uncertainty, while walking in the mystery of not knowing, and the fear of infertility, yoga kept asking me to stay.
So I stayed. And I breathed through the fear of not being whole while the voice of Wisdom continued to deepen.
“Om this is it now” became the mantra.
As my thirties disappeared and my forties loomed nearer, my cleansed hummingbird got panicky, and instead of trusting what was it now, I accepted government funding for two rounds of in-vitro fertilization—both of which failed to extract any eggs from my thirty-eight-year-old body. With labels like endometriosis, blocked tubes, polyps, cysts, and now sinister-looking tumors, I was labeled infertile. They said the only way I would get pregnant was if I did more IVF—and this time with donor eggs.
Yoga told me this was not my path, that it was time to let go.
Now yoga was asking me to stay with that which I did not want to believe.
Finally, after much therapy, countless negative pee sticks, the mourning of babies who never were, a million tears, utter desperation, and hours of deep inner practice around surrendering to what is… I found the Grace to let go.
I finally exhaled into radical Trust.
Yoga turned me inward where I connected to the Goddess who was living Her life as me. She guided me to ask, “If not this, then what?” I had become a devotee of Goddess practice. I experienced Her in everything—“Her” meaning the Feminine Face of Spirit, held by Her inseparable other half, the Divine Masculine in all It’s nurturing, honoring, holding, supporting, ground-of-all-Being way.
I gave my life to Her Breath that was breathing me. I declared to the soul I had been communicating with for the past decade that I was no longer trying to control and manipulate outcomes for this physical body of mine and that I was no longer going to feed this body in the ever hopeful, pre-conception way I had been. If a miracle wanted to appear in my womb to be birthed healthily and joyfully unto this planet, naturally, in its own good time, I would be available for that. But I was no longer orienting my life around what wasn’t happening. It was time to focus on what was.
I was finally done putting my life on hold waiting for that fairytale to happen.
Probably for the first time ever, I realized I could live for what was happening now. And, because I no longer had a personal agenda, whatever else was trying to emerge through this human body could now have its chance. But the true gift was that I could be in my body without feeling that it had failed me. I could finally appreciate it as it was without needing it to be different.
And with that, at forty-two years of age…
I let go.
No one would have noticed from the outside. Nothing immediately looked different. I didn’t need to tell anyone about it. But on the inside, everything had changed. This I have come to know as the flowful, spaciousness of Grace. It’s a subtle yet incredibly potent form of surrender to what is, and it is the ultimate gift of yoga.
I settled into Grace, enjoyed my body as it was, and followed the call of the Goddess to create Sacred Feminine Wisdom Online (click the link to explore for yourself). This became a six-week course that honors women’s menstrual cycles, the phases of the moon, the female archetypes, different faces of the Yogic Goddesses, and Lord Shiva Himself. This stretched and pulled me in every direction, but Grace led the way, shedding the longing and yearning I’d lived with all my life.
My sacral center was on fire. I was finally creating.
For the first time in my life, I was free. I was me. I realized I was whole. Plan B was going to be just fine. I could stay here, too.
And then, at forty-three, thinking I was in the early stages of menopause, I received a most unexpected gift. I was naturally—and apparently miraculously—pregnant.
I was forty-four when the imaginal realm morphed its way through the veil and birthed into physical form. The healthiest, most beautiful and wide awake baby I’d ever seen was suddenly living in our house.
But at nine months postpartum, I found myself so utterly empty and depleted of nutrients that I couldn’t think, had no energy, and worst of all, I was utterly depressed. I’d waited so long for this miracle, and now here he was, crawling around, giggling, spreading pure light and joy—and I just felt like an empty vessel of darkness.
Yoga told me to withdraw my senses and turn inward. With such a paradox at play, I recognized the work of the Goddess. Something else was also seeking to emerge into this physical realm.
Yoga asked me to listen.
And so I prayed.
I listened deeper.
I needed energy—physically, and financially.
The art of yoga now taught me how to cut a deal with the Divine.
If I stayed with it, I would find both.
A new opportunity danced in my reality. Yoga told me to leap, and the net would catch me. And it did! What was at first a traumatizing realization now spun me down an incredibly nourishing—and deeply purposeful—path.
There truly are no mistakes. Ever. Period.
Today I am no longer the drunken hummingbird. No longer the girl waiting on another for her life to create abundance through. No longer un-whole or infertile. No longer identifying as my profession. Now, my personal life and my business blend together as a mind coach and ambassador for true health—the kind of health that empowers you to live abundantly in every way—physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.
I live in a hydrated, nutrient-rich, energized body.
I cast my vote with each dollar I spend.
I raise my son in the healthiest way possible so that which is seeking to emerge through and as him in this lifetime can do so also.
I am the Creator of my life, the container for his.
Like the spider, I spin the world in which I live out of my own womb, and then I live as the Creatrix, in that world sharing the gifts of my experience. I am living in a reality I intended to live all along. I didn’t find it at the bottom of a bottle, or from the reassurance of another. I found it in the heart of yoga and in the art of staying with what Is.
At the time of this writing I am in France, sitting in a castle that looms from a cliff. My husband and baby are playing by the River Lot down below. My life has been a haphazard traverse through the painfully, beautiful chaos of a mother trying to be born. Yoga taught me to stay with what Is. So I stay, and from here I dance on the edge of my comfort zone creating abundance, purpose, meaning, and value simply by being me—whole and complete, and always with plenty of room for improvement.
If you can relate to this kind of situation in your own life and would like to receive two practices that will aid you in staying with and working through your own life challenges click this link here.
Click the link to purchase the book so you can enjoy the rest of the stories contributed to Practice, Wisdom from the Downward Dog.
If you would like to read more about Kali’s path to motherhood, read this blog here – Pregnant with a Miracle Baby.