Letting go is a multi layered teacher
is a very personal process.
It will lead you down a shadowy path
that will take you deep into the Underworld,
and back again, if you let it.
Especially when the grief is
from the loss of a child.
There is no greater loss than that.
It’s the grief though that comes,
when you’re expecting a positive sign on a pregnancy stick,
but your moon cycle arrives instead,
that is the least understood,
This kind of loss is of something that
– to the rest of the world –
isn’t even a thing yet.
And because it’s not yet tangible,
there is no structure around how to grieve it.
You might even ask, ‘did it even happen?’
and ‘why do I feel so empty inside?’
You might be asking,
‘how do I get over this grief?”
when the real question is
‘how do I live with it?’
‘how do I turn the shadows into light?’
Everyone processes loss differently. And we’re lucky to live in a time where the ‘process’ of processing is honored, much more than it used to be anyway. And there are many different ways you can process grief and problems in general… I recommend Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’ to clients all the time.
But… what is not so common is how to process the grief and loss that comes from burying the baby that was never born, and even more socially tricky, the baby that was never even conceived. This kind of processing involves a not so subtle burial and release in the psychology of the woman’s mind. It takes tender self-love and care for the hole that is left in her heart. I takes a deep understanding of the sense of incompleteness she feels as a woman, a woman who, likely, yet again, was unable to do the one given thing Woman was created to do – create human life.
The desperately, uncomfortable mix of loss and failure, guilt and inadequacy becomes overwhelming. It’s not something you get over… it’s something you learn to live with. And I found a way.
often not even the father,
feels this loss.
As a woman, an expectant mother,
this kind of loss is something that happens
in the vibration of creation
that is occurring only within the body-mind
of the woman.
No one else sees or feels this.
Often times it’s never even discussed.
Women bleed every month.
So it’s just held as a sense of hope and optimism
that body is doing what she came here to….
somewhere between ovulation and menstruation,
nothing becomes something in the hopeful mind,
which then becomes nothing again
as it bleeds its usual monthly release,
but not before
you’ve fallen so deeply in love with it,
For a decade I buried baby upon baby upon baby…. all of which were never even conceived… in the shadowy Underworld of unfulfilled dreams. Swallowing back grief like a nasty pill, every month, another funeral to attend, on my own. Back then, the stream of my monthly blood, blood I now consider so powerful and potent, was the blood of my un-conceived child. So not only did I have this painful bloating of my belly and swelling of my breasts, not only did I have stabbing pains in my cervix, I also had a monthly funeral to attend. Sounds a little dramatic I know. But that’s how it was for me… and it’s how it is for someone you know, or perhaps you yourself.
And while friends knew this happened frequently, I couldn’t possibly tell them that I’d get my hopes up EVERY month, for that many years. So mostly I went down this shadowy path on my own.
Some months I’d manage to get out of the shadows and into the light. Some months I would just focus so hard on the art of the letting go, that I’d let go of everything. Sometimes those months would stretch into a year here and there and then I would start to feel life growing within me again… and not just death… but for the most part, the arrival of my moon cycle, like religiously dedicated clockwork, arrived every single month. Without fail. Reminding me of my incompleteness as a woman.
Although occasionally, just to mix things up and give me unprecedented levels of hope each time, my moon would come about two weeks late. Just long enough to build me up with the hope of finally seeing a positive sign on a pee stick… It was always just long enough for my secret to grow within me and for that happy feeling of impending motherhood to swell with my just premenstrual belly – the ultimate cosmic trick being that apparently PMS symptoms are also just like pregnancy symptoms. Yes apparently your abdomen still bloats and your breasts still swell… yes, but I wouldn’t know this. All I knew was that when my moon cycle was late, it was really just a trick that I mustn’t get my hopes up for. All that really did was dig the knife in deeper when the red death of my baby would again come bleeding between my legs.
So month after month after month,
year after year after year,
throughout pretty much all of my thirties,
I would wait and see if the red death would come…
or if the miracle of life,
that I SHOULD have been capable of,
was finally happening.
This grief is impossible to live with.
Well meaning friends, even ones that try really hard to understand, still don’t really want to know about it. It just makes them feel inadequate as a friend or guilty for all the beautiful babies they’ve had or are having. (And I was, and still am, truly blessed for the amazing sisters I have in my life). The father to be, he, nine times out of ten, was simply relieved. The only place there was to bury my unborn babies was in therapy. And thank Goddess for therapy is all I can say. Thousands of dollars spent on this secret grief. Millions more in tears.
I get this grief.
I truly do.
The grief I personally can’t comprehend is that of a baby conceived but lost before term. Many women go through this multiple times. I would just get my hopes up over the possibility of being pregnant… but if I’d actually gotten pregnant and then lost that baby… I can’t imagine THAT grief. And what about those mothers who have lost baby after baby through miscarriage and then finally given birth to a healthy baby… society still holds no place for that woman to grieve all the babies she lost before this miracle of life was born through her. It’s such a tricky slope marrying expectations and childhood dreams with the reality of what it means to be a 21st century woman where fertility issues are on the rise… lets not go into why right now.
The point is
that there are no structures in place
for the burying of babies that were never born.
And letting go is a multi layered teacher…. So what did I do? I realized that this grief wasn’t something I would ‘get over’. Instead it was something I would learn to live with and that somehow it would fuel and transform me from within. So I turned inward. It was the only place to go. And I started listening to my body by asking her “what do you really need?” And I started to hear and feel into a calling that would take me down a path different to that of all my amazing mama bear friends. You can read more about Shedding the Fairytale of Motherhood and the great struggle of my life when I first started talking about infertility here… and another aspect of letting go in this blog here. Yes, letting go is a multi layered teacher.
But ultimately what I did was find a way of getting out of my head and into my body. And from there I found a pathway that led me through a secret door in the center of my heart, one that took me straight to the intentions and desires of my Soul, one that reflected back to me through the workings of my womb who I really was, and why I was really here. And, in the rhythm of self love that flowed through me every single month, religiously like clock work, I finally connected with our greatest power and most ancient resource, the Wisdom of the Sacred Feminine. This Moon cycle that I had hated and cussed for so many years was simply trying to tell me something I was refusing to hear. I’m not here to have children right now. I’m here to hold space so that those raising children can so do with greater self-love and inner connection than they might otherwise. I’m a space holder. I’m meant to hold space as I be and do that which makes me come most alive. And in holding that space for others, I also hold space for what is seeking to emerge through me. Because when I am most alive, just like when you too are most alive, humanity is most alive. And for me, as is true for you too, trying to go against Soul desires and intentions is not what makes us come ALIVE. Being in our flow is what makes us come alive the most.
So what does make you come alive?
A major component in unwinding all this for me was in realizing that Goddess is living Her life as me (and as you too by the way). Yes, Goddess informs and influences my, and your, path in life and that I, and you, in turn, give Her the arms and legs with which She can Co-Create in the world. This is how I am still a Co-Creator. This is how YOU are still a Co-Creator – regardless of whether or not we can conceive a child. And so when I still myself enough to hear Her wisdom, and when I act on that wisdom, I act from a powerful flow of archetypal energy. And it’s potent.
The different archetypes of
Wild Woman and Crone
flow through each cycle
in a cyclical pattern
that roughly divides into one week each
per moon cycle,
and yes our Grandmama Luna in the sky follows this pattern too,
as do the seasons of the year.
This natural system interconnects mother nature
and a womans body
in the most sacred
and intelligent way
you could possibly imagine.
But there’s a deeper, transpersonal dimension to explore too, for along with these archetypal energies, I have found that different aspects of the Goddess also emerge within and as us at different times of our cycle. Because the Yogic Goddesses of the Hindu Pantheon resonate most with me, I have derived my insight and practice through that lens in the likes of Durga – She who saves the world when nobody else can; Saraswati – She who flows; Parvati – the Cosmic mother/lover/yogi; Kali – Goddess of inner revolution; and Dhumavati – She who’s name means smoke. And all of this has combined together into a map that I call the Rhythm of Self Love. And it is a map to experiencing Divinity through the menstrual cycles of your post modern Woman. This is a map that doesn’t tell you which way to go, but it does tell you what portals you might want to glean wisdom through at certain times of the month. And for me, in moving through this epic disappointment, meeting the Goddess was my true savior. Now I know I am only ever exactly where I am meant to be and that everything I have done thus far has set me up perfectly for what is around the corner. And I know that is the case for you too.
this cycle of energy,
this rhythm of Self-Love,
that is Sacred Feminine Wisdom,
has helped me transform
grief into aliveness
loss into abundance.
It’s helped me live a life that before seemed pointless
by fueling me from within.
And I’m not just saying that.
While I would be absolutely delighted
if a miracle baby latched on inside my womb,
I no longer HOPE for it.
Instead I live in the freedom of
being wherever life takes me
with love and passion
for all the children of the world.
So wherever you’re at in your path in life, I invite you to take your own ONLINE JOURNEY into the heart and soul of Sacred Feminine Wisdom. This is not just for women who are living with fertility issues, this is for all women, regardless of the functional status of your womb! This is information I wish I was raised with. This is a way of being that honors your cyclical nature, it’s a way of being that helps you engage in the cycle of energy that flows through your precious human woman in a lovingly powerful, insightful and wise way. This is a SIX MODULE course that will help you live with whatever it is you are living with because it will fuel and transform you from within, like it has me. There is power in the blood of your moon and their is wisdom in the way SHE cycles through you. Sacred Feminine Wisdom is at the core of your very BEING. Sometimes She whispers and sometimes She yells… however She communicates, you’re better off knowing Her. For it is in knowing the Sacred Feminine Wisdom that flows through your precious human Woman, that you turn the shadows into light, the confusion into clarity and the weakness into Power. Check it out here and start now… you can go at it in your own time or follow the cycle of the moon.