(There is an interview about my personal story at the end of this post – and a path you might choose to take for overcoming impossible challenges like infertility)
Are you one of these rare people who’s life has gone exactly like the fairytale you wove as a kid? Or are you one of the other kind of person who’s childhood dreams in no way match the life you now find yourself in?
No doubt about it, I’m the latter….
Before I carry on, you must know that, as a therapist, I am taught to keep my personal life personal and to not share too much of who I am and the challenges that I experience in life. Apparently I’m meant to maintain some kind of illusion of greatness. But after more than a decade of doing this work, I know that it is my story and the challenges, failures and obstacles that life has put in my path that make me better at what I do…. So, put on the kettle, grab a cuppa tea and settle in for a story of one woman’s RISE with so-called infertility…
This is a part of my story,
in a nutshell,
Hopefully it will help you shed the fairytale of your life….
so that you too can
live the life you actually came here to.
As far as my inner little girl and her childhood dreams were concerned, I came here to play house and to be a mom. I was raised to get a good education and then marry some amazing man who had a lucrative profession which would enable me to be the best mom a kid ever had. And in my mind, I thought I really wanted that. I wanted to change and evolve the relational patterns of my familial lineage. And I also wanted to give birth to the WOMAN I’d come here to be. Being a Mom was how I believed all that would happen. So that’s what I thought my goal was… to get a good education, travel and see the world…. find this illusory man that I would be with forever…. and then to be a mother. In that order thank you!
At 21, when I first left New Zealand, I was well educated with a degree in psychology and a mind that was always seeking and searching for the next level of reality – little did I know, then, that that was my SacredSelf nudging me into a completely different life than my little ‘me’ knew she wanted. Travel and exploration came easy, and yet, unconsciously, I kept putting off the call to activate the deeper desires and intentions coming from my SacredSelf. Instead I subconsciously approached my working life more as a hobby or something I didn’t get too ‘big picture’ about… you know, because of the baby and all…. and the man that was going to take care of it all. Apparently, underneath my heroic independence, I had been running a belief that said “The MAN is the financial plan?!” Who does that these days?! Shadow can be hard to see, until you see it.
But after fifteen years of the baby not coming, and only moderate ‘success’ (in the conventional get-married-and-stay-married sense of the word) with the man part of the plan, it finally dawned on me that I had my head stuck in the proverbial sands of denial. Talk about a slow learner?!
In all fairness tho…
when does a woman ever really give up on her child?
Even if that child is still yet to be born, or even conceived?
The fairytale runs so very strong in our DNA… especially, I sense, for women.
There are literally thousands of years of conditioning running through our cells
telling us that it is the mans job to take care of business and politics
while, for us women, our domain is that of the home and religion.
This kind of conditioning creates expectations on both behalves… men feel the pressure to financially support their women in order to feel like a “real man” and, if women can’t produce babies, they don’t feel like “real” women. For years I felt alone in my process. Well meaning friends asking when I was finally going to have babies, and would I please hurry up so our kids can play together. Oh and the worse one ever, don’t leave it too late, you’re running out of time you know. But even those who love me with with all the compassion and care in the world couldn’t ever fully understand what I was going through. They had their own kids, or they didn’t and they’d never really wanted them anyway. And there were no structures to support the funeral I attended each month – yes, for over a decade I went to a funeral every month to mourn the child I hadn’t conceived. And the only person who got what I was going through was me. I felt incomplete as a woman. A total failure in fact, that I hadn’t been able to produce a baby, that I wasn’t someones Mom.
It took me years to realize that our reproductive systems didn’t just procreate babies, and that they are the powerhouse for all our creations in the world. I could still create… I just had different things to create than what the fairytale had prepared me for. And while procreating with a man is still a maybe, somewhat open door… Co-Creating with the Goddess is a door wide open…. It was the Goddess who put the meaning, value and purpose back in my life. Without Her Fierce persistence and love I wouldn’t be here today. It got that depressing.
But even though I still feel that child around me, all the time actually, now I’m not so sure the physical realm is where we’ve agreed to to let our contracts unfold in this life time. Instead I continue to learn so much through this process and maintain open communication with this not-so-wee soul mischievously tugging at my heart strings. It’s been a different path to parenthood than what the fairytale had promised, with different lessons…. but in the end I’ve come to the same place…. that all the children of the world are my babies… and I want them all to be safe… as any mother would. No woman wants another other womans babies harmed. Ever. Period. It is this fierceness of our mama bears that has the potential to save the world, if we awaken to that notion in time.
But that topic is a hot tamale,
so I’ll back off it…
Back when I was still racking up at least 12 – 24 pregnancy tests a year, to anyone else concerned, myself included, I appeared to be so diligently focused in my work, and was relatively successful in my hypnotherapy practice. I’d even done a 20/20 documentary on how my work in Past Life Regression was curing life debilitating phobias, probably while unaware that my greatest phobia was that I couldn’t conceive and carry to term this ever so desired child. So my dream of being a mom had me unconsciously focused on distracting myself from the Sacred work I’d really come here to do…. while simultaneously preparing me perfectly in other ways. As always, Divinity has not an obvious logic, but more a mystical intelligence that fuels the method in the madness….. And regardless of how strong the fairytale and cultural conditioning reins, the Sacred will always win in the end. Even if it takes longer than just this lifetime.
So I tried pretty much everything to get this body pregnant…. but all it ever did was bleed like clockwork, in a cyclical pattern of emotional and energetic ups and downs that I’ve come to know now as Divinity Embodied. And so, as I sat and listened to Sacred Feminine Wisdom unfolding within and as me, a new dawning started to rise…..
I’d finally realized that Ma Kali,
the Great Mother Goddess,
had different ideas for me,
So I fell into Her arms
and grieved the dreams and conditioning of Carmel,
and all the babies I buried before they were conceived.
Yes there were a lot of tears on this loneliest of paths.
But in so doing I surrendered to the dance
of the Great Mother,
and the infinite potential I had yet to open to….
I was so much more powerful than I knew….
I started to know that
I already was a full and complete woman,
always had been, always would be,
just the way I am.
Of course, that transition was much easier said than done, and this too, is an ever evolving process…. BUT… in that surrendering, once I let go and let HER get in the drivers seat… in other words… once I stopped focusing on what wasn’t happening in my life, and the death that I mourned each month, and instead surrendered to what was happening, I started to see the profound and amazing things that were happening in my SacredHypnoGoddess Cavern with clients, and a power so much greater than mine alone arose from within me and spoke Kali’s message loud and clear:
“The children are the future,
and the future is in trouble.
There is much work to be done
Wake up and play your part.
There is much more to be Mothered than you know.”
a whole new level of drive
to embark upon my SacredResponsibility
Awakened within me…
It was a powerful transmission that released at least fifteen years worth of tension I didn’t even know I was carrying. I could feel it’s TRUTH in my blood. Finally I wasn’t in this on my own anymore. The Goddess had my back and I was falling in love with a reality that did nothing but return my love in Sacred and mysterious, bold, rich, beautiful and ever so profound ways.
Now I am much more connected to the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, play of Divinity in, through and as ME in this body, than I am in trying to create another human being… although that would still be lovely too 😉 But my single minded focus on babies has completely shifted. All the heat that used to tear me apart each month has dissipated and, instead, I listen deeply inside for the call of the Great Mother and what I am here to do beyond the fairytale of my inner little-me. I am aligned with the subtle and not so subtle forces in the flow of life. I’m more surrendered. And surprisingly ok. Making a human is really hard, and not being able to make a human can leave a woman feeling not a woman at all. But these days, as I get ready for my 43rd birthday and my 44th trip around the sun and thirteen moons, I find myself content and happy as well as excited and intrigued by how my life is unfolding… it certainly hasn’t been boring! And a child-free life is something I surprisingly find myself becomiung excited about. The opportunities and possibilities are truly infinite. It’s all a very profound and beautiful mystery, that always seems to have my back no matter what challenges and perceived hardships arise. I am so grateful to this practice that so deeply honors both the Masculine AND the Feminine Face of Spirit…. for without it I would be a deeply sad and lost being. Without knowing the Goddess, God can only hold that which I don’t know. But in knowing the Goddess, I know that which I don’t know AND all that which is continually changing, evolving and growing… and all I have to do is surrender into that and let Her lead the way.
And as I do….
I know it is all Divinity unfolding in and as me.
And it has a bigger, more intelligent picture in play
than I ever could have come up with
by myself, in my little-me mind.
And yes, I would still say yes to a baby…
but instead of mourning my monthly bleed
She can again be celebrated
as the Flow of Divinity
and the Rhythm of Self Love
So if your life isn’t working out quite how you thought it would or should, then consider a surrendering into Goddess Practice that will allow you to let go into the flow of your own SacredPath – the one you intended from the depth of your Soul…. not necessarily the one you grew up thinking was your truth…. and embark upon 40 Day’s of Inner Power with your chosen aspect of Goddess – click here for more information and to register. This work is a combination of parts therapy at the deepest psychological levels possible, as well as mantra, meditation and journalling practices…. and it is the work I threw myself into, once I finally realized it was time to simply let go… and in that letting go, I asked the question ‘If not this, then what?’ And with that I repeatedly prayed for the Goddess to ‘show me the way’ – and I still do, every day… and SHE does.
Infertility is one of the most challenging and lonely journeys a woman can embark upon. I know. I’ve been there. And thru that process I’ve given birth to who I really am and why I’m really here…. and you can too. Weirdly enough, I now feel gratitude for this entire process and the freedom it has given me to pursue whatever I feel called to. And that is something I never thought I would experience. So, no matter what your story or limitation is, glass ceilings are all in the mind, and often in the ovaries too. But wherever they are, being stuck, small and quite is NOT why you are here.
The programs I offer here are designed to help you access your SacredTruth
so that you may speak your SacredVoice
and enact your SacredPurpose in the world…. and, at some point,
you will realize that this process is indeed
your Soul intention for being here at this most auspicious time in history.
Let me hold your hand and spiritually nurture you as you
uncover and reveal the deeper desire and intention of your Original Nature
and most DEEPEST DESIRE.
To hear more about my relationship with the Goddess Kali and how surrendering to Her allowed me to finally come to love a body that wouldn’t bear children, click here and listen to an interview yogini, Jeanie Manchester, did with me in the later part of 2015 or just press play below:
You can read more about Jeanie Manchester and her yogic offerings just by clicking here.
To connect with me for more information about working with me, simply click here and complete the form or use the one to the right of this page, or below on mobile devices. And above all, LOVE your little-me self… there is always a method to the madness. It’s the innate nature of Sacred Feminine Wisdom, aka REALITY, to challenge you exactly as it is. Your SacredSelf has you right where you need to be, no matter where that is in relation to where you thought you would or should be 😉
And…. if you’ve been suffering from infertility and wondering ‘if not this then what?” or perhaps it’s even “if not this, then how?” connect with me…. 40 Days of Channeling Your Inner Power might be just what you need.
Comments and sharings below will be gratefully received and responded to.