They called it infertility. They said I would need IVF and Donor Eggs if I were to ever get this body pregnant. And I did all of that to some degree or another. But, apparently, infertility was not the case. Perhaps it was an impossible conception? And perhaps it was the magical play of the Goddess Herself? For I’m finally starting to believe that this belly of mine, bulging it’s way into the third trimester of pregnancy, complete with baby kicks and other not so fun sensations, means that I am truly and actually pregnant… and that out of this particular transformative process will come a real, live, physical baby… that this is not purely imagination… nor an analogy, vision quest, or metaphor of some kind… that this is actually the process of the imaginal realm finally filtering it’s way into the physical realm. A miraculous journey, thru the medical odds of failed rounds of IVF, sinister looking cysts, blocked fallopian tubes, numerous surgeries and severe endometriosis, all apparently with no remaining egg count. In reflection I can see all the multi layered teachings from the Goddess of Letting Go who took me through a worm hole of pure, deep surrender, to a place where I was finally actually excited, even grateful, for Plan B and a child free life…. And now… come this summer, I will have a baby boy and use sentences that start with ‘my son’… altho, he is not mine, I’m just going to finally get to spend some physical reality time with him after all. And I am not just excited, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that he has chosen me to incarnate with.
‘Energy goes where intention flows’ and ‘Be careful what you ask for’ they say… yes… be very conscious of that! I have no doubt that the impossible is possible, miracles happen, and that you do get (eventually) what you focus your time and energy on. But one thing is for sure… The Goddess gifts in Her own time!
Yes, I officially and truly do believe in miracles…. call it magical or fantastical… call it what you will… But I am pregnant with what, in my world, can only be a miracle. Thru doctors saying, you have only one and a quarter ovaries left, no eggs left and endometriosis has likely left you infertile… yes everything had left…. and yet, miracles can and do still happen.
So when this happened I wasn’t trying to have a baby anymore. I had, finally, after many years of trying, let go of my baby mission. I had convinced myself that I was wrong about my soul intention. I had convinced myself that motherhood wasn’t for me after all. And, thru therapy and my practice, I had come to a place that was cool with that. I was even looking into other ways I could satisfy my yearning to nurture as I wrote about in this blog here.
It was a few months before I wrote Shedding the Fairytale that I had a conversation with this trickster of a Soul. I was about half way through being 42 years of age and the multi layered teacher of Letting Go finally released something within me that allowed the kind of unraveling that only pure and true letting go can do. The kind of letting go that you cannot teach or learn… you only pray for it, intend for it, and do whatever work you can do to prove that intention is real and true, and coming from a deep and mysterious place… and then… when everything unfurls to this point, it just happens. And at that point I had a conversation in which I said,
‘Ok little one, I am done. I’m not trying for you any more. I am not going to do acupuncture for fertility anymore. I’m not going to take pre natal supplements for you anymore. I’m done with pre natal eating and uptight, uber clean living. No more healings. No more feeling incomplete and broken. No more monthly funerals as I wrote about in The Burying of Babies that Never Came. No more sex in the hope of creating a baby. I’m going to have sex for the sake of making love to my honey. No more organizing my life around you who remains in the land beyond the physical realm. No more putting my business on hold or not getting stuck into, or planning for, things that will make having you around tricky. I’m done. I’m not trying for you anymore. I’m getting on with the life that is actually happening and I’m going to stop living in the life that is not happening.
BUT…. (and I don’t use the ‘but’ word lightly) if you DO want to make your debut in the land of physical reality, then I AM still here, ready and willing as your gateway. Just come in robust and healthy! Come in able to cope with whatever is going on in my life. Because I’m not waiting for you anymore. So be able to deal with whatever state my body is in, and whatever state my life is in. (I’m a healthy gluten/caffeine/dairy free eater anyway and drink only rarely, so how bad could it really get?!)
AND… finally, show me your Daddy. If it is the one I am with now, then show me the way through whatever challenges we may have, just know who your Daddy is and pick your path. I’m certainly open, I’m just not trying any more. I. Am. Done. Trying.’
I also made a deal with the Goddess… and I said I was letting go UNTIL I was 45… and that if a miracle hadn’t happened by then, then I would look into adoption, or maybe I would even re-visit IVF and donor eggs (as I wrote about in My Most Personal Blog Ever). Maybe I would still have an experience of pregnancy – if I still truly wanted the path of motherhood. But for now I wanted a couple or three years to feel what adulthood was like without orienting it around the baby that never came. I wanted a kind of freedom I knew nothing yet about. And for that I had to let the baby deal I thought I had with my soul go.
So, with that… I let go. No major ritual. No burning of paper or lighting of incense. No lengthy meditation or howling at the moon – all of which I do regularly anyway… but for this… I just had the above conversation as I was going about another day going around circles…. and then… I let go… and I got on with what WAS happening in my life.
And what a marvelous thing it was. I felt freedom for the first time in literally years. I got on with my life. I threw myself into creating my Sacred Feminine Wisdom Course and offered in-person classes here in Tahoe City, then later, after holding it as a live online six week virtual event, I turned it into the online offering that it is today, which can now be done in your own time starting whenever you’re ready. I got to know how the flow of Sacred Feminine Wisdom was moving through my body… I clocked my cycle more vigilantly than ever, noting how it swung randomly from a Red Moon Cycle to a White Moon Cycle… as if She was deciding which true path to walk down – the one of the Mother/Lover and the domesticity of family life and community or the one of the Wild Woman and the Enchantress who follows the call of Her Inner Primal Scream for freedom in all realms. I swung between one or the other and having both. I got to know the ME who lived beyond the confines of eternal grasping for that which wasn’t happening and I fell into the rhythm of that which was actually happening in my life. For the first time in my adult life I finally lived here and now, just as my Zen Master Jun Po Roshi had taught me.
By living in the Now I was then able to fully let the the practices I was now doing with my meditation/spiritual teacher Sally Kempton awaken the creative flow within me further so that the Divinely Inspired 40 Days of Inner Power packages could now emerge. These are for those wanting to combine Goddess Practice (meditation, mantra and journalling) with Parts Therapy (deepening inner awareness of the different aspects of your personality and life purpose). This kind of work was helping me to get to know who I really was and why I was really here. It helped me listen to the deeper call of an energy and vibration that was seeking to emerge in and as the ME I came here to be, and, in so doing, helped me embrace, comfort and nurture the parts of me learning to live with the grief of not having my baby born into this physical realm. In hindsight I can see how this work was embodying me with a Consciousness that could be the kind of Mother and Nurturer that I could not have been before now. I was being re-conditioned, re-calibrated and re-oriented into a new realm of life experience. One that could let go and let the multi layered teacher of Surrender lead the way. So I also created packages for a 40 Day Inner Revolution and a Six Month Metamorphosis – these were for anyone wanting to create a more focused and enhanced way of life…. for anyone that wanted to awaken to the energy that was seeking to emerge as their true and authentic self… for anyone wanting to get out of their own way and let the Sacred Wisdom of TRUTH and LOVE flow through their entire existence… these were for people learning, as I was, to live with grief, loss and disappointment (in any of it’s multiple ways of showing up in life), so that they could embrace the essence of the life that was seeking to emerge. This was for those who, like me, had been ignoring what was still happening in front of them while getting lost in that which wasn’t happening, as I was finally allowing to now happen in my life.
Gosh I got busy! And I enjoyed not having my heart strings toyed with every month. I relished my cycle again and listened to the inner wisdom of She who flows through me in a regular, constant cycle imparting ancient wisdom with the greatest of power and insight. I mourned my internal Mother, lavished my internal Lover and prayed to my Wild Woman Entrantress to scream Her Fierce Loving Primal Truth. I mourned not having my DNA in a baby I gave birth too… I wrote poetry like A Goddess Moon… and I felt GOOD. I was FREE of that monthly torture I’d been putting myself through. I mourned for my parents and the guilt I felt in not providing them with the experience of becoming Grand-Parents. I mourned, I grieved and I let go. Every layer that came up, I practiced with it. I found realms of wisdom and insight everywhere and found that layer upon layer of teaching took me down a wormhole of infinite love. I found the Void of Ma Kali and the Transformative Power of Her Fire that I’d been burning in for years… and within that I found the greatest, and most free, heart of all. Yes I know all about the lonely path of grief. (Click here to read about that part of this wild and wonder-filled process).
But somewhere along the line I fell in love with me, just the way I am, whole and complete and perfectly imperfect – regardless of whether or not my womb worked the way I had believed it ‘should’. ‘Should’ is shit anyway right?! I was still a creative powerhouse churning out weird, wonderful and powerful ways of working with the men and woman in my family of humanity. And every day, in some way, shape or form, I witnessed miracles, awakenings and transformations, in both myself and my clients. I did not need to create a baby in order to be a whole woman. Shit it took some work to get to this place?!
But for the first time in years I felt a depth of freedom I’d both long forgotten existed and never knew was even possible… another paradox was at work in my life and that meant the Goddess was certainly at play… and it outweighed every other longing I’d ever had.
Yes, I threw my hands in the air and said to the Goddess,
“If not this then what? Show me the way. I am yours, do with me what you will.”
And then I got on with life. I got excited about a child-free life and started to arrange retreat offerings for 2017. I even tried to get out of the child friendly, just add a baby seat, five door, hatch back, kind of car I’d been driving in eternal anticipation of the baby that never came and started down the path to buying a 2-Door Jeep Wrangler – just so I could have a fun, child un-friendly, convertible vehicle to drive around in. Something that truly said, I’m done with this baby thing for real and it’s time to PLAY. But three times in a row the one I found got sold to someone else – even after driving from Tahoe down to San Francisco to pick it up. Just poof gone. The Goddess was saying NO. And I got frustrated but eventually I had to practice surrender on that one too. Surrender, my biggest lesson and greatest nemesis! But I knew that something creative was seeking to emerge and that the Goddess had my back… so I just kept asking,
“If not this then what? Show me the way. I am yours, do with me what you will.”
The summer of 2016 flew by in a rush of work and summer time activity. We moved into a new house in the mountains, one that made my heart swell and let me loose in the land of Shiva and Parvati (God and Goddess of the Mountains). I felt my body further unwind with a Soul Sister that visited from New Zealand. With her free of the pressures of motherhood and me relinquishing the pressures of not having motherhood, the two of us surrendered into the limitless realm of BEING that unfolds when Soul Sisters come together in the realm of unbridled PLAY. During this time, and for the first time in my life, I intimately tuned in to what it means to transparently be yourself. It allowed me to truly RELAX. The deep relaxation that happens when you don’t have to hold back or curb anything. It detached me from the multifaceted masks that I’d been wearing, freeing portals of energy within me. And then knots of anticipation unwound in my body that had been keeping me like a spring ready to launch into motherhood at the drop of a positive pee stick.
I was finally over the baby thing.
And it felt good.
By the second half of October 2016 I dived into another 100 hours of advanced yoga teacher training… in pursuit of my 500 hour license. This time the topic was Chakras and Kundalini. During the two weeks I immersed myself into the realm of energy embodied and throughout the whole 100 hours I felt my body re-calibrating, re-orienting and re-booting… like it was preparing for a new way of being in 2017. And I felt excitement. But I couldn’t discern what the excitement was for or about yet. Something new was brewing and I was ready for it… whatever it was She had in mind for me. I remembered my pledge…
“If not this then what? Show me the way. I am yours, do with me what you will.”
…and I surrendered deeper into TRUST, knowing that whatever was coming, I could handle it, and I would find bliss in it too. Something new was coming into my life. I presumed my practice was about to take a turn at the next Y… I just didn’t know what that would look like, yet… or where in the world that Y was.
24 hours after the training ended, I boarded a plane in San Francisco and flew to New Zealand. By now I knew I was in the time between the times and was feeling a letting go unraveling in a same but different way as I had when I had left New Zealand three and a half years earlier. I wrote about that shift in this blog here. It was the same because the letting go was happening without my conscious effort. It had nothing to do with logic or a plan that might look good on paper… there really was no plan at all, and like before, if I had written it down on paper I wouldn’t have had the guts to do it. And it was different because this time I knew I lived in America and would be returning there in a couple of months. But I still had no idea what the next chapter of time had in store for me. I was just open to the flow of Shakti (Divine Feminine Power and the Creative Impulse to Evolve and Flow in whatever way SHE called for me). I was guided from a deeper place within myself than I had known before.
I was realizing more and more fully how these practices, that had become my daily reality, were truly something else. Reality was shifting in profound and beautiful ways where everything was coming ALIVE in ways I hadn’t seem before. And this work I was doing with Sally Kempton was lighting the way for the Goddess to lead my life wherever SHE desired it go. So I just kept letting go deeper through the layers…
From my front door in Lake Tahoe to the door of my parents home in Tauranga, New Zealand, took 33 hours and had given me perhaps three hours sleep. I was pooped. I snapped at my poor mother within minutes, reminding myself my practice had a way long way yet to go, and then took myself off to bed (at mid afternoon local time), all tired and cranky like; I was completely depleted. But it still felt like recalibration, and after napping for a couple of hours, I had dinner with my parents in what I called ‘the fog of Jet Lag.’ Physically I was present, but not much else of me was there.
After a good sleep I awoke feeling just as tired and puffy and bloated as I’d felt going to bed the night before and I made a deal with myself that I would run up the top of Mount Maunganui each morning. I would run my way into my new chapter! Locals call it The Mount and it was my stomping ground growing up from the age of six to seventeen when I left home for College. It is a small mountain, more a cone shaped hill, located on a spit of beach land, only three blocks wide, with ocean on one side and the harbor on the other. Rising to about 800ft above sea level it’s the perfect training ground for getting fit and loosing a few extra pounds – the latter was what I felt I needed for I was already pretty fit. But my energy was unusual, and yes, my period was late, but I was used to it being a bit random by now. Some mornings in that first week I had the energy and I’d run up the mount, have a sit, run down The Mount, then some days I’d then run around it too… and other mornings it was all I could do but drag my arse to the top of one gradient, feel suitably accomplished, while still practically at the base, and just sit in meditation instead. This Jet Lag was going on forever it seemed.
For the next month I drove the length of the country, through the epicenter of a series of earthquakes – one two minutes long that shook me to the core, shaking the past from my Now and opening me up to my New; mudslides that closed roads leaving me stranded at a Soul Sisters house who I wouldn’t have had the one on one time with otherwise, a huge full moon – illuminating a letting go and surrendering like never before; sleeping in tsunami zones – in total readiness to evacuate in the middle of the night; and all the way I was napping everywhere and anywhere that I could. From someone who is not really a napper, this was unusual behavior. But energy was shifting within me in a way I’d not known before. And yes the idea of pregnancy was tugging away at me. The still, small voice was certainly present. But I’d heard that alluring fantasy so many times before that I just wasn’t prepared to go there again, not yet. So instead, I was arriving at friends houses who I hadn’t seen in years, in the fog of ‘Jet Lag’ and my ‘menopausal onset’, and going straight to their spare bedroom for a nap.
I had been getting ready for the realm of the Wise Woman Crone who through my Sacred Feminine Wisdom Online offering I had become quite akin to and was looking forward to meeting Her more fully. But here I was, not normally motion sick in the drivers seat, I was getting car sick while driving. Bumpy plane rides I took through the mountains turned me green and riding in the back seat of a car flipped my stomach in knots. I never threw up. I just felt like I had an eternal hangover. As I continued to travel solo something about this trip down the land of my birth from North to South felt like I was purging the past… I was recalibrating at a whole new place within myself… I was letting go at profoundly deep levels and readying myself for the next chapter….whatever it was.
Eventually I got that this “recalibration” was different than the rest and the ‘Voice of Pregnancy’ started to become quite alluring, again. After being quite for at least a year. My period was late, but it had been all over the place for a couple of years by now and, after everything I’d been through in the ‘fertility’ department, I was more believing in the early onset of menopause. Also my cortisol levels were also out of whack. Combine that with the intensive two weeks of energy shifting in my body throughout the yoga teacher training, the long haul and shorter flights, being out of sync with my normal patterns and completely ungrounded in this world of travel and continual movement, and I concluded three things were happening…. 1) My system was stressed and needed to ground and stop moving for a week so everything that was shifting in my body could find it’s new rhythm; 2) I was steamrolling my way into early menopause; something a good friend of mine had done a year earlier than my age now at 43, so certainly plausible; or 3) I was pregnant.
These thoughts had been going around in my head for a couple of weeks, but as I drew nearer to meeting my husband in Queenstown, they got louder.
The ‘Voice of Pregnancy’ was becoming more and more alluring. I was starting to daydream dreams I had promised myself I would never dream again. I started thinking up names and feeling into what life might look like with this impossible turn of events. I started to feel the butterflies of excitement that my miracle was finally here, again. And then I’d get mad at myself, because I had done this, and heard this Voice hundreds of times before. I’d promised I would never see another negative pee stick ever again… so I couldn’t possibly take a test. But the ‘Voice of Pregnancy’ got louder and more alluring and as the fantasy grew I knew that the only way to shut it down, and as well strike at least one option off of my list of three, was that I would need to take ANOTHER test.
I was also dragging on committing to a five day trek in the incredible nativity of New Zealand’s bush – which was one of the reasons I was even here in the South Island at this time – and that was making no sense to me at all either. So… while my husband, who had now been in New Zealand with me the past week and was wondering what happened to his usually adventurous wife, sat planning the route for the next day in a coffee shop across the road from Pancake Rock on the rugged and remote West Coast of New Zealand’s South Island… I went to a public toilet and pee’d on a stick I’d bought in a hick town a few hours earlier.
I only took the test to shut the Voice of Pregnancy down. There was not one part of me left that actually believed I might be pregnant… well, perhaps the still small voice inside that had been drowned out by the strength of all the parts letting go of this fantasy, perhaps that voice knew… but I wasn’t listening to that voice, not about this. Not again.
Well I nearly got whip lash when I looked at that test and saw it had two lines on it… it was the kind where one line meant a negative, two was a positive…. I turned it over to check it didn’t have a message from “TV Bloopers” on the back of it… I looked up for TV camera’s wondering what kind of mean trick was being played on me… and then I just sat there…. stunned.
Ten seconds later I knew in my bones that it was true right there and then. And I felt an unwinding unfurl within my body-mind deeper than I’d ever known and everything changed right there in the public toilet across the road from Pancake Rock. EVERYTHING was different. SURRENDER was in charge.
This was an unprecedented event entirely.
Which is exactly how I explained my public pee stop experience to my husband when I returned to the coffee shop fifteen minutes later. Bearing in mind this was the impossible conception, he was, and like me, still sort of is, in many ways, stunned… he was getting ready for golf, not kindergarten. But in that moment I told him we need not talk about it. I drove him to the end of the road, put him on the 80km trail by himself for five days, then I drove 450kms to where I would wait, in a fabulous glamping opportunity on a permaculture farm, for him to come out the other end…. hopefully feeling an excited, expectant father?!
By the time I picked him up I had done four positive pee sticks and a blood test. And I’d booked a scan so I could see for sure that this was actually happening. Even tho I knew I also disbelieved. I was in a strange land between acceptance, because I’d actually known all along this was meant to happen, and disbelief, because I was 43 and had 108% given up on this ever happening for me. I’d been told my fallopian tubes were blocked, altho a surgery three years earlier was meant to have cleared the way, but in my mind, with my track record, this surely must be an ectopic pregnancy. My mind had to see for itself that this nugget had made its way to the right and safe place. Even tho my heart and soul knew.
The scan for me was an incredible experience. I’d had many scans before, but all we’d ever found were polyps, thickened endometrial linings, cysts and in the last one a potentially cancerous tumor that had put a stop to IVF for me. The moment when I saw that this little peanut had tucked itself away in a perfect nesting spot, without any intervention or coercion, let alone conscious effort on either parents behalf, in MY uterous no less, was a profound moment indeed. This time we found a BABY.
The sonographer, a cherry wee Scotswoman, then turned the sound on so I could hear its little heart beating perfectly at 150 bpm… and full, convulsive, body shaking, tears erupted through my whole being. What a path?! After all the crazy, and the eventual letting go and surrendering… this little stowaway, truly my biggest and greatest teacher ever, was ready to be revealed.
Day by day we adapt to this surreal experience of my carrying our miracle baby in this belly that bulges. I still, at 6 months into it, am reluctant to let anyone buy me anything or throw me a baby shower… Altho that is starting to change this past week. I can finally write about it, so perhaps soon I can also start to actually prepare physical things in physical reality in readiness of his rather tardy arrival! As this Soul persists in being this miracle of life growing within me I more and more appreciate my body as an incredibly precious and wise human form that has defied all medical intervention and expectation, while again proving that Surrender is the only path this life will tolerate. This Being is indeed my greatest teacher and I cannot wait to finally meet him in the physical realm.
This picture of my husband and I was taken (two stunned mullets as my mother called us) the day after we’d found out I was pregnant. The following week we found out we were nearly in the second trimester already of this miraculous conception. But right after this my husband hit the bush… and I went to meditate under a tree, pretty much for the next five days 😉
So… just like when I was a little girl, before life happened and things didn’t turn out how I thought they were meant to, I again truly do believe that Miracles DO happen… because energy goes where intention flows and it manifests as energy and intention combined. And if I know anything thru this entire process it’s that Letting Go is a multi layered teacher that only Surrender can guide you through. And it is multi layered in that there is always further to go, and more to let go of. I am not in control. This is not my rodeo. The work of the Divine Feminine is at play and the whole play is being held up by the all pervasive, unwavering devotion and strength of the Divine Masculine. I am just a puppet that gives Divinity arms and legs with which to play with. I am not in control. So, for me, intervention, on any level, or idealistic thinking that I can make something happen that is not ready to happen, at a particular moment in time, or in this life time, and perhaps any other, is simply not an option. I have been shown this clearly. For I truly know nothing. All I can do is buckle up, lean in, and go for the ride. Time will happen as it chooses. And as I meditate more, and as I tame the wild horses in my mind, a deeper level of wisdom arises that tells me something far greater, wiser and more intelligent than I is in the drivers seat, thankfully, the Force of LIFE itself. All I can do is open to the breath, listen more deeply than ever before, and go where the energy is – because that is where the next piece of action is going to unfold in your life. She leaves breadcrumbs for us everywhere. You just have to be awake to see them… and as you remember that the Goddess has your back, you will find you have the courage and faith to act on them.
If you’re reading this and want to get inspired on your own path of practice and better feel into where the next piece of action is unfolding in your life then please take a look at the packages I offer. I would love to work with you and to share the magic and energy of this miracle in our work together. Come July/August I will be taking a break to be with my little teacher… so jump in now! Trust me, NOW is the time!
“Om Shri Ma… If not this then what? Show me the way. I am yours, do with me what you will.”