I sit here and pause. Do I really want to write this blog? Do I really want to talk about postpartum depression in this way? But it’s been sitting in my heart for about a week, gently tapping at the door of my ego, wanting to spill it’s vulnerable self through my fingertips and onto my keypad… and I can no longer put it off… the tapping has turned into a thumping and the only way to save my heart now is to let the muse tap…
After my baby was born, and after the fourth trimester (that’s another couple of stories that will come some day I’m sure), and after we’d taken him to Tahiti for a holiday and New Zealand to meet his kiwi family and then Hawaii for a reset on the way home, (yes we did all of that between him being 3-5+ months), but somewhere in about the six month mark, I realized I was joy-less.
There. I said it.
Some would call it postpartum depression… and perhaps it was… whatever it was, it wasn’t just joyless-ness. It was dark. So dark. In fact it was darker than it had ever been because now there was a new voice that said “How can you possibly be down? You just created a miracle baby. And not only that but you’ve wanted this all your life. Now you have the most gorgeous baby, who is a pretty good sleeper and super sweet natured, and you’re depressed? Wtf girl?!” And on it went…
And I listened to that judgy, badgering voice. I forgot that I wasn’t my thoughts. Yes I have thoughts, they come from my conditioned mind and they preach a good talk some of the time, and a really poor talk the rest of the time.
When I’m in my practice, I live (mostly) beyond the conditioned mind in a place I know as Awareness. Here I have choices I can make and I can respond more skillfully in triggering situations.
But when I’m living in the mind that believes I am my thoughts, I have no choice. I just react. It’s not that pretty. In fact it get’s very messy and the roller coaster of life and love and emotions goes on the ride of cray cray. And I wasn’t only sleep deprived and nutrient depleted, I was also completely disoriented in life. And my perception of reality had got pretty dark as the judgy, badgering voice got louder.
“You’re a terrible mother. You’re not doing it right. What kid will benefit from growing up with you feeling all down and dreary. Be grateful. Be happy. You wanted this. How dare you think like this? You have no right to think like this. Pick yourself up girl. Slap a smile on that face and show up! Or else this baby is too good for you.”
Gee that voice was mean.
But what new mother is not disoriented, tired and stuffed with brain fog and fat tummy cells? Not only did I have 50 extra pounds to loose but this body was unrecognizable and this baby had turned everything upside down and inside out. He shook me to the core of soul. Nothing you read, in any book, or anything anywhere, can prepare you for motherhood. Nothing!! A chemical cocktail of confused thoughts, raging hormones and postpartum depression swirled through me, mixed with messages I was downloading from way beyond the veil via the humungous new multi lane highway to Creator Itself that had built it’s way into my Heart-Mind sometime during childbirth. Because with the birth of this baby came a whole new level of loving. Woah. So different. Every mother know’s it. And I had anticipated it… but again, could never have prepared for it to feel like this.
The elation of this love mixed with the judgy, badgering of not being good enough and not doing it right, especially when he was crying as if he was in extraordinary pain – oh my goddess, the cry of the soul being squashed back into human form is something else. It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t anything I was doing. He wasn’t about to die of some torturous disease that is jabbing knives into his belly from within… no, he was coming into human form, and it’s dense here. So heavy. So tight and confined. That soul that is so light, so free, so expansive, can only embody itself bit by bit and piece by piece… day by day. And for some dam reason it must happen most at night?!
I could tell that phase was complete and he was more present and embodied by the end of the fourth trimester, just in time to go to meet his kiwi family…. so we spent two months traveling. And it was a beautiful adventure for our new unit. But once we got back home, once I settled into daily life, and tried to figure out who I am and what I do now that I am also a mother… that’s when it happened. That’s when I noticed the joy had gone. And the darkness had settled in. And it was deep. So deep I wondered if it was even all mine. Perhaps I had postpartum depression for all the mothers of the world?
The disorientation set in. Not teaching, not having clients, not writing much, not really doing anything apart from feeding and rocking and carrying and getting poop out of pants, then wash, rinse, repeat, 24/7. When naps happened I was too tired to do anything so I napped. Yes. I know. Smart. But after a couple of months of this I felt like I was wasting my time and burning daylight napping. The muse was knocking again and I wanted to let Her through. But I was too tired, even for the muse.
But I got a nanny for two days a week and I started taking clients again. I started to feel the new woman living inside this body come through. And she’s cool. I like her. I’m still getting to know her but she’s got a new jive and it’s rocking a new tune and I’m down with it. I look forward to getting to know her more.
But I had NO ENERGY. And I couldn’t think as clearly as I would have liked. My brain was a mess and my heart was torn in pieces by this new expanded energy that loved more fully than I had ever before known. Leaving my baby was also a strange mix of relief and regret. Why was I doing this?!
And it was EXHAUSTING having clients to hold space for
AND a baby to care for
AND a house to try keep clean
and husband, who luckily doesn’t seem to need much from me
and life to live, that also had a strange and beautiful new energy of no longer needing to be rushed. I’d birthed a baby at 44, I could in some respects take a rest… but I so wanted energy!
So… after a five year hiatus from caffeine, I had a double, almond milk latte. And it was good! Oh my, it was sooooo good! I had energy. I built a new website that day (I can’t launch it yet because I’m under contract somewhere else for another couple of months, but you’ll hear about that soon).
But six hours later I plummeted and felt like complete shit.
I wanted that feeling back though, so I did it again the next day and the next day, and the next day too. Then I went bullet proof style and added ghee and MCT oil for brain power. Six days later I woke up and my eyes were puffy, my belly was bloated. So I shifted to bullet proof chai – black tea, maybe not so loaded for me.
But I knew.
This body has adrenals that just can’t handle caffeine. Altho the MCT and ghee turned out to me a great idea and it got me thinking…
Enter SUPER FOODS.
I found a company I love that is pure and premium in it’s quality AND they had a cleanse I could do while still breast feeding. Well I LOVE green foods. And I know when my adrenals are taxed and I’m craving sugary foods that my body is acidic – hence it hating caffeine.
I felt the push of the Goddess at my back and I dived into a forty day nutritional transformation.
I’m currently on day ten and I already have lost my sugar cravings COMPLETELY. I’m sleeping DEEP. I have energy. I can think. And best of all, JOY is back. I can feel such deep gratitude for this miracle again. All these shifts are happening inside me. I don’t see them much on the outside yet, not personally, perhaps you might see a subtle difference in me, but I don’t yet – altho my eyes aren’t all puffy like they were already and the bloat and inflammation is on it’s way down and out. What I do feel is a huge shift on the inside. I feel clear and clean. I feel fresh and vital. And I feel happy, for no specific reason at all, but I sense it’s because my hormones have balanced back out already and balanced hormones let in feelings of joy and gratitude, which I am now feeling by the heart, swelling truck load. Thank you! So much!!
I am different to who I was before getting pregnant. Of course. I am a mother now. But I can feel in my bones that I am back on track, and that this life is unfolding exactly as it intends to – with one foot in front of the other, creating one miracle after the next…
So if you’ve read this far and want to join me, just pop me a message, I would love share my sources with you. I have thirty days to go on this particular program, but I will consume these super foods forever more. Even my baby is drinking them, and my husband too, which is pretty much another miracle! But I’m so deeply happy to be able to raise this child on such pure and premium, GMO free, organic, nutrient dense food. This is what wellbeing is all about. These are the boons of the Goddess in nutrient dense form, mainlining me back into Awareness, beyond the mind that is conditioned, beyond the body too. But it is a clean and clear body, with balanced hormones and good-fat fed brain that routes us back to that multi lane highway and plugs us back into Source Itself. Hmmm Jai Ma Shakti!