My Most Personal Blog Yet

IntrospectionThis will be my most raw and personal blog yet… It’s time to tell the tale of my Dark Night of the Soul…. to be more transparent, to speak my truth and to move more authentically into the flow of my soul… of Sacred ‘She’ who is guiding and directing this Body every breath of the way…. bowing to the Goddess… here I AM.

For the past half decade I’ve been through what many on the path of Spiritual growth and development call a “Dark Night of the Soul”. It’s called a “Dark” night because that’s how it feels. Oh so very, very dark. It’s hard to see through the darkness to know what is Truth and what is illusion… its even more challenging to know which way to look – or who to look to. It’s a phase of massive deconstruction… like a thread being pulled in a piece of knitting that slowly, but surely, un-does all that you ever thought you were as well as all that you ever thought the nature of reality was. And it keeps pulling until there is nothing left…

It’s a process of un-learning and re-membering.

And it’s NOT fun.

It’s painful. And it’s scary. It’s destabilizing and it’s completely disorientating.

But, eventually, you realize that it’s worth it!

At the time it feels like an Absolute crisis…. and in a way it is. Mental and emotional instability reined and I never knew when my inner selves were going to explode in a volatile uproar of verbage and tears. And tears were very prevalent for a long time…. hour upon hour could be spent crying from the depths of my soul while Body lay in a helpless mess on the floor, or the bed or the floor of the shower… they were tears that had no words, they even had no apparent source, altho they did, and they just kept coming… as if I was grieving for all the women of the world who had not been able to have children as well as for all the women of the world who had ever been maimed, harmed or abused in some way. These tears came from deep within my soul… the Goddess screaming out at no one in particular, and EVERYONE at the same time.

It was Kali Herself screaming for me to WAKE UP at the depth of my core. To WAKE UP to a deeper truth – that I wasn’t who I thought… to realize that I had all these emotions and feelings, thoughts and ideas about the world and myself and how it all fit together… and that NONE of it was REAL – not in the Absolute sense. And that by looking at life from the Absolute perspective for a while I would gain a deeper appreciation and value for the Relative – where all the beautiful and messy human stuff happens. Detachment now, would later follow a deeper level of embodiment later.

But messy and distressing it was.

Stanislav Grof calls such psycho-spiritual distress Spiritual “Emergency” which is a crisis involving religious, transpersonal, and/or spiritual issues that provide opportunities for growth. Spiritual “Emergence” is a more gentler process of transformation. For me though, it felt like a debilitating process that made me physically sick and left me emotionally drained and financially retarded.

I dropped off my client workload for a couple of years as I recovered from adrenal fatigue and burnout (a result of naively working around the clock with no regard for my own personal needs for the better part of two years. This was after a mass inflow of clients when TVNZ aired the 20/20 documentary I did with them in 2007 which you can view here). But it was on the wings of such burnout that I turned my every day life into that of a monastic and lurched myself into a relatively intense regime of healthy eating, detoxing and cleansing along with daily yoga and meditation as well as frequent  meditation and yoga retreats. In the space of nearly three years I went to 17 different retreats and workshops ranging from 10 day silent meditation retreats and 8 day Mondo Zen Sesshins (including one to become a facilitator of the Mondo Zen process – which addresses emotional imbalance beautifully) to intensive Iyengar or Sivananda Yoga weekend workshops.

To put it mildly, 2009 and 2010 were crazy years for me. They blew the lid off everything I thought was real and true and slammed me flat on my wanna-be spiritual face. I was sick every other weekend. I had glandular issues, adrenal issues, hormonal issues. I was just plain sickly and weak, to the point of being pathetic. I’d become one of the most healthiest eaters I knew, I didn’t drink alcohol, consume animal products, sugar or gluten, had high quality organic spirilina  and countless other greens flowing through my system, how could I be so sick all the time? There were times I thought I was going crazy and although a deeper part of me was there all along assuring me I was not in need of Psychiatric help and all was indeed well, other more enmeshed parts of me doubted the process – and in fact didn’t know that the process was the unraveling of a truth that no longer served me so that a new more meaningful Truth could emerge. Hence the term “Spiritual Emergence.” And hence why body had to go down – it was Her only way of letting me know She needed me to pay attention. And so I lay low and I went inside and I listened to what She – the Feminine Face of Spirit – had to tell me.

I learned how I was becoming affected by the energetic “field” around me as my yoga and meditation practice deepened… how the energetic layers of mind and emotion, thoughts and feelings could effect my physical health as directly as improper eating. I came to call colds and flu’s “energetic recalibrations of body/mind”. (I’ll blog more on these kinds of things in the future….)

By 2011 I felt I’d come out of my Dark Night, and so, at the age of 38, I plunged head on into the arduous process of trying to get pregnant – which as it turned out, Body was not interested in achieving in the slightest. I had no eggs left in my aging body to harvest and after failed attempts at IVF – including a process of signing up for donor eggs, finding eggs and then loosing them (thats another story I may some day write about) – my body instead produced an ovarian cyst that just wouldn’t go away. For six months I was put on cancer watch as my levels went up and down… never really getting into the danger zone, but up enough for my doctor – who I came to know as the Endo Guru – suggested I have surgery to remove it.

With two months to prepare for surgery I told the Endo Guru that I would get rid of that cyst before he did. He looked at me with hopeful, encouraging eyes and said “I’ll see you in theater and we’ll find out”. And so in that two months I did nightly castor oil packs (recommended by Laura Jane Bowers and Liz Jury – two gorgeous Goddess friends of mine, both very talented Health and Wellbeing practitioners). I also had weekly – fortnightly sessions in Cranio Sacral Therapy with Soul Sister, friend and colleague Meegan Care as well as taking a daily self prescribed concoction of Rhodiola, Chaste Tree, Licorice and Olive Leaf. Prior to surgery I also did Dr Sara Gottfried’s 21 day detox – which I highly recommend – as well as an Ayurvedic detox and a raw food detox, all back to back over that two month period. Along with the enemas and fasts that I did in preparing for surgery, I truly was clean as a whistle going into theater!

Spreading WingsSo… cut to the morning after the surgery and I awake to the Endo Guru standing at the end of my hospital bed with a smile on his face. The cyst had indeed gone, surprisingly to him, but he had also removed 15 years of deep infiltrating endometriosis from my uterus, bowel and bladder – a beautiful example of how we can do so much by ourselves, but then there are times when medical intervention is simply a send from the Goddess.

I felt like a different person. My abdomen was no longer damp – two years of acupuncture hadn’t managed to shift the damp of that endo. My body was no longer swollen or sick. It felt alive and well and happy and buzzy and …. I WAS SO HAPPY – I could feel it in my core! SHE was AWAKE within me – FINALLY!

Everything I had done… everything I had unraveled, was revealing my Core… my Truth… HER and SHE wasn’t sick. SHE wasn’t crazy or wrong or infertile. SHE was just revealing and re-membering my Truth for me.

I think we spend the first part of our life forgetting who we are… the next part is about remembering who we are… and the final part of incarnation is about putting that Truth into action and letting it evolve. And we, beautiful souls, are alive in the times where the Goddess is finally coming BACK. So we better open our hearts and listen to what SHE has to say. For we have much to learn.

I don’t know if this life time has the intention of mothering a child. And for now I have let that go – as much as a wanna-be-mum can anyway. But I have spread my wings and I have reconnected with the core of my Truth. I’ve re-found my Spirituality in HER and She lives in the Mountains, in Nature, in the Oceans and the Rivers. SHE is in the chipmunks gathering forage for winter. She’s in the wings of a butterfly and the silvery flash of a fishes tail. Spirituality no longer has to be regimented in patriarchal routine and rules. It’s not linear or rational, black or white. She is all colors. She is cycles. She is the Moon and the Earth and she dances hand in hand, heart to heart with the Sun and the great ability to BE. But she is dynamic movement  and action. A spiritual practice that works is a state of mind and presence of heart that can hold all of that which is arising and passing AND remain embodied with it. Simply to be human is to be Spiritual. No one is not spiritual. But our spirituality can make or break us. Spirituality today listens to the wisdom of body, to the wisdom of Goddess, to the wisdom of our inner She – thank you Sara Avant Stover for that one. I know Her as my Sacred ‘She’, and beyond that, I know Her as the Goddess incarnated in precious human form. But She is also who lives in and as all of y’all too, as well as SHE who IS the mountains, rivers, oceans and all of Mother Nature. She is our precious planet, our richest wisdom and our greatest inspiration.

After my surgery I packed up and left New Zealand on a three month spreading of the wings. But thats a whole other journey… and for now the Goddess is calling it forth and there’s only one way for me to go from now on… and that is HER way. Surrender is my path… even if my little me self had and has other ideas, Surrender is the only way to find out what is really and truly seeking to emerge.

If this has stirred anything up in you or you would like some support through your own Spiritual Crises, please feel free to comment or ask questions in the box below. You can also connect with me for sessions over Skype or in person if you’re in my area. This whole process has of course deepened the work that I do now with my clients. Every day, month and year we evolve and grow to deeper levels of inner understanding. I’d love to help make your journey through this transitory phase much, much easier than it was for me.

Till next time
Laugh and jump around

30 thoughts on “My Most Personal Blog Yet

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Thank you Helen, I just looked at your website too, its beautiful. I love the energy you radiate from it. Sat Nam fellow Kiwi Goddess

  1. Maree Longley

    Loved reading your blog. My journey has been much the same in unravelling who and what and how I am.
    Although a completely different journey to yours.
    I started with a translucent light that became dull, to where I couldn’t see through, but then slowly (very slowly) emerged through a haze to a clearing.
    Where I’m becoming and seeing something? and being and feeling a light? an opening, i’m still not sure of what but a deepening of self.
    Thank you for being open to share your journey in life and in seeing my journey unfold with yours an understanding of similarity but complete difference that we are all alike in heart and beauty but unfold uniquely.
    Love you my friend.

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Gorgeous woman, thank you for sharing… I totally agree – ‘alike in heart and beautiful but unfold differently.’ I love that. As we unfold back to our Truth… we re-member ourselves and our Divinity. Cyber hugs coming your way.

  2. Helen Shaw

    Thankyou Kali , 🙂
    On your precious soul journey , if you ever find yourself in Texas ( we are in between San Antonio and Austin )
    And need a bed for a little bit .. Give me a shout 🙂 ( I am a friend of Susan and Cheri’s back in good ol’ N.Plymouth)

  3. Zara Wright

    After experiencing a similar process.Shown from Spirit, under our perceived layers our life events past present & future one little spark of creation shines just waiting to reveal itself through the dark night of the soul this forces us to peel those layers away.Way beyond our knowing, the connection and light has always been their and that connection is to all that is!Divine Spirit!The divinity within and one with all existence for eternity !
    In your travels may divine be with you and if you are ever in the North look me up!Also a spare practitioners room next to me if anyone is interested!(Kerikeri Northland NZ)
    Zara <3x
    Embrace Darkness-Emerge Empowered

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Embrace Darkness – Emerge Empowered… YES! The Darkness is not for us to fear… within it lies the other half of the mystery!
      Sat Nam Zara

  4. Nicki V

    Sweet Soul Sister

    You are so brave. When the light appears after that precious dark night (of the soul), we know we are not mistaken …. it is light that we see. Not a relentless quest for spiritual integrity in all kinds of illuminations, that are more about enterprise than of love. The dark night shows us the truth in that dangerous modern day safety net. So that we can stand inside the truth of light – of unity (in our diversity). Shine on you crazy diamond ……

    Love You Madly

  5. Mike

    Thank you for sharing. You are a brave person for what you have been through. I loved how you worded the part about absolute and relative perspectives. I too have had a similar experience; a complete deconstruction of what I thought to be real for 2 years. I now exist in a hazy blur of thin, subjective substance. Nothing has much tangibility any more. Although this deconstruction has taught me what really matters, where to go and what to do to achieve real happiness in life, I am still stuck in this haze, waiting for a practical time when I can too see my wings spread. Sometimes I wish I was still in the falsely lit world in which everything had substance, fantasy-based meaning, but then I remember how I have witnessed absolute truth and hope that I’ll be able to reach my true self someday. Thanks again for being you 🙂

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Beautiful soul I can feel you. It is so important for us on the Spiritual path in search of the Absolute to be simultaneously embodied in our physical being – the whole point is for it to effect the Relative in a healthy, profound and peaceful way. We live in a world of duality, we cannot escape that there is both Absolute and Relative, and at the same time, the two are One. So to achieve one without the other is to me indeed an oxymoron. To be sitting on our cushions in Absolute Blissed-out-ness and to yell at our partner for disturbing us, is not any sense of accomplishment at all. In fact it is a sure sign one is meditating their way into a pathology! But I digress! With regard to being stuck in the haze… in Zen we say that sometimes we have to “sit in the fire” a little longer, when things aren’t moving or shifting etc. Its an analogy for burning off more of that falsity you speak of, or that ego. I prefer to think of it as burning off that which no loner serves us so that that which does can enlighten and liberate our ego. An enlightened ego can do much good in the world. And without our ego we’d achieve very little. Only the relative wants to “achieve” – the Absolute just is! So I guess what I’m saying, is that I find meaning and substance in all the Relative world – the juicy, messy, human realm of love and meaning, striving and achieving, learning and growing, laughing and crying, moving forward and struggling etc. For the Absolute just IS. It has no need for any of that. So thanks for inspiring me to remember too that the Relative is choca full of meaning and value… and that I can take a rest from all that too, in the Absolute. Thats the beauty of re-membering our multi dimensionalness! Om shanti Om

  6. Helen H

    Dearest Kali
    With you, my journey deepened and many battles ensued, miracles are happening and discoveries are being made.
    Wholeness is emerging.
    May your journey be heartfelt and illumined, blessed and enriching.
    We will encounter again
    When the Student is ready, the Teacher will appear
    Thank you Teacher

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Gorgeous woman, thank you for your kinds words. To me, it is to re-member our wholeness that is the whole point in being human. Until we connect again, much love to you. Om shanti om

  7. Peter Brauner

    Kali you goddess:)
    Everytime, in a week moment, where the mind is gaining a little momentum to overthrow ME i find guidance around me. Just like now in your words.
    Its obvious why you showed up when you did. I love knowing your there to nudge me along when i stray.
    Keep going lady. Much love. Peter

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Yes beautiful man, I too have those “Nudgers” in my life, thank you for letting me repay my dues by being one of yours. Sat Nam

  8. Lisa

    Kali, I sit here with tears streaming down my face… after reading this I realize I am not crazy! I too, have been having similar issues and the way you speak of your’s has helped me realize the truth of MINE.
    U are indeed courageous and beautiful, thank you for sharing.

    Lisa K

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Thank you Lisa, thats why I wrote it in the first place. Life is crazy and messy and beautiful and wild… it’s light AND dark. Its laughter AND tears. Its winning AND loosing. It’s movement AND stillness. Without one side of the coin we can’t know the other…. We need duality! Much love to you gorgeous woman x

  9. yvette

    Thank you Kali! I needed this truth to read and feel and to pay attention and go within. Thank you…In the process I am reviewing all authenticity of myself. xxx time for breakthroughs…

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Amen to Breakthroughs sister and much love and power to you and all the special things that you do in the world with them. xx

  10. Rick

    Dear Kali,

    I have write to you a time or two. you have been kind enough to respond to me and I thank you. I have used your Self Help meditation till the computer says” not again!” It has helped me through some difficult times. I read your story and feel in many ways I can relate. I am in the “Dark Night”, though I have come so far…I seem to be facing a situation greater than myself! I would love to use your services but I am nearing broke. Unable to find a paying job, a mountain of debt and a teenage son that I have let down. I am a multi talented individual but I can’t seem to solve this one. I am often sick to the point that I cannot do anything but try to meditate the pain away. I am beginning to question every decision I have ever made. That doesn’t feel right for me. I have not been in a relationship in such a long time and at times I feel so alone. I try my best not to express these feelings around my son. I don’t wish to burden him. Something is making me feel like I designed this disaster…but I know I didn’t. I will fight on. I have overcome a lot in my life but this is getting to me. Thank you for listening ( reading ). You are a light people…so keep no shining!!!

    1. Kali Cathie Post author

      Beautiful Soul, perhaps instead of trying to meditate the pain away, its time to listen to needs of the pain. What does the pain want? Where is its unmet need? When you sit in meditation, try to ask these questions as opposed to will it away. Liken it to a little child who’s in pain and is crying. Would you tell the child to go away? No, of course you wouldn’t. You’d ask him what he needed? Where was the pain? What happened? What could you do to make things better now? Sit with it like this, like it is a little child and you’re the adult he’s seeking solace from. See what happens. Let it be there. Let it speak. Pain cannot speak forever. So don’t fear it won’t stop, everything changes, everything moves on. Even pain. But listening to it, is the first step to transitioning THROUGH it. We must move through it. Not around it. Not under it or over it… only THROUGH it. It won’t go away any other way. And one more thing… you did design this thing you call a “disaster” – but you did so on a Divine level for your highest and best outcome. Maybe its time to change your reference to it and start to see it as your biggest teacher and start to find out how you can learn from it, how it is opening your mind and your heart, how it is building compassion and empathy within yourself and, most of all, how it is preparing you for the next chapter of your life. Imagine how life can be different when you move through this, stronger, with a deeper heart and a more open mind, more connected your Soul Essence – your deepest TRUTH. For that is what is seeking to emerge here. So yes, question. Question EVERYTHING. Chuck out what doesn’t work, keep and evolve what does, make room for new. In Zen we call it emptying the cup. So empty away, until there is nothing left to empty – and then you will realize that you are only full of TRUTH. You are loved. ALWAYS. Warmly

  11. Lily

    Kali, dear sister,
    You (and your beautiful writing) is inspiring, empowering, enlightening…! Thank for your support, love, and strength…you are such a great teacher for us all. You are a courageous and authentic goddess! I sure hope we can reconnect SOON! All my love and happiness for you and your journey.
    Lily James

  12. Wayne Loveridge

    WOW…Life is so many things Kali and thats the journey that makes it so amazing… Love always wins and thank god for your sessions I learnt I am Love n Peace….for I am a Loveridge 🙂 see ya on the journey my warm huggable friend!!

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