Surrendering into Maiden, ready for Wise Woman Crone, I’d given up on moving forward, in this life time, as ‘Mother’, at least in the traditional sense. I’d accepted that I could be Mother to my clients and students and whatever other creations that chose to pour forth through me. I could even mother my friends and sisters, when the need might arise. But I’d given up on being Mother to my own child, at least for the time being.
I’d bargained with myself, or maybe it was with Life herself, that if I let go of having my own child, I could perhaps adopt someone else’s – if a miracle hadn’t happened by the time I turned 45.
And with that I’d let go. No more pee sticks. No more yearning, craving or half arse letting go – you know the kind where you hope to trick fate into thinking you’d let go when really you hadn’t. Nope, I had finally found the grace I needed to truly surrender to what was… I’d finally truly let go.
I turn 45 next month.
And at 43 a miracle happened where I somehow manifested a positive pee stick, in a public bathroom on the rugged West Coast of the South Island of New Zealand, while my husband sat in a ‘Department of Conservation’ coffee shop perusing a map of the five day hike we were about to go on. I couldn’t work out why I was dragging the chain about it. I had been spectacularly tired the previous month or so. But I thought I was just embarking upon menopause and not traveling well in my 40’s. I’d completed another 100 hours of advanced yoga teacher training, then gotten on a plane back to New Zealand, where I flew into Auckland in the North and made my way to Queenstown in the South, met my husband and started back up again. Yep my Maiden was roaming.
But before my husband arrived the Maiden within me, normally happy to drive for endless hours, was stoping the car on the side of the road to sleep every hour or so. It was totally plausible that my adrenals were acting out again. Or that my menopausal hormones, albeit somewhat premature, were playing havoc with my psychology and making me schitzo, and want to pee a lot too. And come to think of it, my jeans weren’t fitting so well anymore; but that could be menopause too.
Or…. maybe I was pregnant?
The ‘You Could Be Pregnant’ voice had reappeared after a two year hiatus and had been getting louder and louder the past couple of weeks.
So, in order to shut that particular voice down, the one that I’d heard a hundred times before and had vowed I would never listen to again, the one that was now the loudest and most persistent that it had ever been, was making out that it truly knew something this time. Well that voice was pretty easy to shut down… I could shoo it off back into the dusty corners of surrender, all I had to do was pee on the dam stick.
This was something the Maiden within me had said she would never do again for she never wanted to see another negative pregnancy test ever again in her life. It’d been three years since the last one. Three years of not having to feel the plummet of a heart into the baroness of monthly disappointment.
But this time it was different.
This time the heart of my Maiden soared in shock, and disbelief.
Was the Mother truly finally coming to live inside this body? Was the Maiden to exit stage right?
This pee stick was telling me that the soul I had been communicating with from the other side of the veil over the past near decade was waving his first hello in the physical realm.
If the baby is coming, the Mother must be coming too…
Surely it was some kind of cosmic trick?
I’d take three more urine tests, and a round of blood tests too before the Doubting Thomas would start to believe it wasn’t. And it would bear no good to nobody to talk about it… so I showed my husband the pee stick and suggested I meet him at the other end while he took the trail alone.
Yes, time in our own stunned-mullet heads was the best approach for us.
The Doubting Thomas wouldn’t truly believe it tho until I had an ultra sound and heard the healthy beat of my baby’s heart, and saw that he had made his stealth-like way into the perfect nesting spot in my very own uterus… with absolutely no intervention or conscious willing whatsoever. In fact we were hardly even having sex around the time he was conceived.
Years earlier I’d been told by the medical profession that my egg supply had tanked to zero and that I would need to obtain donor eggs and go through more IVF if I ever wanted to have a baby…. been there. Done that. Given up. Let it go. Moved on. Altho I never really believed that a woman could run out of eggs, why would that be when men can never run out of sperm?
At 44, I gave birth to a very healthy, happy and incredibly beautiful baby boy.
I guess my doctor didn’t get the memo on Divine Intervention?
I’ve not written about our birthing dance together yet, I will someday I’m sure. For now I’m engaged in the transition from Maiden to Mother.
To refer to myself as a mother is still a very new thing. The Doubting Thomas within me still can’t believe it. The One Who’s All About Me is pretty pissed off she doesn’t really get any time to herself any more. The Therapist is pacing around wondering when she’ll ever get back to work. And while the Maiden has skipped off into a field of flowers where she can bask in the sun and take some time off, the Mother has stepped in, fully, wholly and completely.
Everything is about this baby. And now that he just started solids last week there’s more for the mother to do. Life has moved from being about meditation and yoga practice, Gods and Goddesses, time with husband, clients and sisters, circles and nature, to feeding, changing diapers, doing laundry, napping, trying to nap, and wondering if I’ll get to sleep through the night or not. Luckily for me this little guy must know we’re too old to go with broken sleep for too long. And also lucky for me, the Gods and Goddesses have stuck around; where would they go anyway?
And all the while the Mother has taken up residence within me, leading the way, somehow knowing what to do and when to do it. And the energy of surrender, that came in when I let go of having a baby at all in this life time, continues to surrender more and more. All the other parts of me have stepped aside, for now anyway, to let the Mother reign.
And darn it feels good!
So as the Maiden moves out, for now, and the Mother moves in, there’s little mourning; my Maiden had reigned for literally decades before the Mother appeared. Instead there is celebration, wonder and awe, for the Mother has connected me quite literally to the childlike curiosity of beingness that anchors one perpetually in detachment, exploration and astonishment.
And BOOM, complete ‘beginners mind’.
I know NOTHING!!
Meditation only rarely happens on the cushion, for now. And yoga asana only sometimes on the mat, or in a class, but instead while stretched around the changing table or rolling around on the floor with him. And that’s ok. Meditation is a state of mind and I can watch mine dance it’s astonishing dance all day long. And thank the Goddess I no longer have to react to EVERYTHING that arises in it. For I know it will pass. Instead when I’m changing diapers the smell of poop keeps me present so that I’m changing diapers. And when I’m bathing my baby his beautiful smile and engaging eyes hook me in the moment so that I’m bathing my baby. When I’m doing dishes and laundry, I’m doing dishes and laundry. And when I’m walking in nature, I am walking in nature.
The Mother within is present. Most of the time anyway 😉 . But she has to be. She is taking care of something so very precious.
Yes the play of Shakti through this miraculous, stretched and torn body is more alive than it has ever been. The vitality of the Gods and Goddesses dance through the Mother – this new and oh so young mother living inside this 44 year old body. Yes I feel young. I’m learning what the majority of my mother friends learned 10 and 20 years ago; I mean some of my friends are GRANDmothers already! Yes I am late to this party. But it makes me feel new, for everything is new – and I’m going to turn 45 next month. How wonderful is LIFE to throw such a wonder-filled curve ball to two unsuspecting humans so late in life.
I feel so freaking blessed because I know that miracles do happen!
I now live with one to remind me of that every day.
And my maiden is happy to take her stage exit, for now. She will cycle back around to center stage in a new way at some point I’m sure. For that’s what Life does. She cycles. Eternally. One phase arising, creating for a while, then dissolving, into the next, revealing and concealing Her different characters in a mysterious kaleidoscope of bold and rich unfurling, over and over.
So what is my point, beyond liberating the smiling heart of my inner Mother?
… to let you know that it is never to late to do anything.
… that it is in surrender and getting on with what is that that which will be can be.
I believe Life is written. So you may as well roll up your sleeves and show up to what is unfurling, and you may just find out that you are actually living the life you intended to live all along.
To learn how Life cycles through you, especially if you’re a woman, partake in my online Sacred Feminine Wisdom course. It was the magic piece in my practice that helped me find the Grace to truly surrender into that which was seeking to emerge in my life, in the way it was seeking to emerge. In other words, it was the ticket to surrender, as well as liberation. You can take a look for yourself by clicking here.
Until next time, perhaps you’d like to ask yourself – what is it that is seeking to unfurl through me next?
To read a related blog with more of the story click here.