I remember several years ago I was reading a book called “Soul Education” by Sylvia Vowless…. At the time it was blowing my mind wide open and letting a deeper aspect of my Soul reveal itself… and then I got to the chapter about letting go… and not just letting go of words that were said or feelings that had been hurt or events that didn’t turn out ‘quite right’…. but letting go of people; family, friends and lovers… I remember, being single at the time, feeling into if I could let go of the people in my life – in order to transcend and evolve spiritually – and I reasonably easily came to the realization that we are all One and that I wouldn’t actually be letting go of them as such, but more integrating as One ‘with’ them.
So I read on.
But she had us do the same work with our pets. Now, my Ulie dog was only a couple of years old at the time – she was my furry child that went everywhere with me, she even slept on my bed at night. If you read my last blog, my most personal one so far, you’ll know that mothering is something I’ve always aspired to achieve, yet never have – in the traditional sense of the word anyway.
So letting go of Ulie was absolutely out of the question – she was my furry child!
I folded the corner of the page, closed the book and put it back on its shelf. I didn’t return to the book until I was packing up my office and house a few months ago – readying myself for a three month sabbatical here in the States… my Ulie dog now eight years old had somehow communicated a chosen a foster family to me. I was about to realize how far things had shifted. As I was about to put the book in a box I remembered I hadn’t finished it. So I opened the book to the folded page and read where I’d gotten up to….. I laughed at myself, the sacred kind of laughter that knows only love for our human limitations…. and our infinite capacity to move thru them.
As I put the book in its box with all the others I realized that I had indeed finally come to the place where I was now letting go of all those things – friends, family, loved ones of all kinds and, not just Ulie as well, but now I had the ever so cool Swami cat too who I had a beautifully fun and inquisitive relationships with. And here I was, packing my life into boxes and fostering out my two furry children. Special treasures that I never thought I’d ever part with, but just couldn’t conceive of their living in a box either, went into each of my soul sisters cars and back to their individual houses… just to leave a little of me laying around where my heart still spread its love. I left three quarters of my clothes at Hospice and recycled whatever else was left. I wasn’t sure if I was coming back yet or not… this process of surrender was a multi layered teacher that had me on a need-to-know basis.
For me, it was a purging of massive proportions…. letting go, cleaning out and making way for the unknown new… It was also a chance of maybe giving up on having the baby I had so desperately been trying to conceive also. After a couple of unsuccessful rounds of IVF and finding myself getting no where but on the surgical list, as I wrote about in my last blog, I realized that I had created everything I thought I’d ever want… a beautiful house to be home for myself and the furry kids as well as serve as an office/workspace for my clients, packages, writing projects and the creation of different self help products. I had a vegetable garden and a green house, access to native bush and a beautiful river that I swam in every day during summer. I had a yoga and meditation practice space and a wonderful place to just BE in. Outside of that I had an amazing support network of women and a wonderful yoga community.
Apart from conceiving the baby that seemed uninterested in everything I had going on, what more could a post modern 21st century Goddess need???
And then, quiet unexpectedly, something beyond reason or rationale led me to dissolve it all… and to get on a plane… and fly away into a whole new chapter of life… Quite simply, the Shakti had fallen out of everything that looked so wonderful from the outside… but the juice had gone… and America was calling louder and louder, and had been for some time… neon flashing lights were now being added to the call… it was time to respond.
The Goddess had spoken! And I could ignore Her no longer.
If I’d stopped to think about it, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. But there was no time to think… surgery was required (again I wrote about in my last blog), the date was suddenly for 10 days time and I needed to be able to recover somewhere restful without having to worry about keeping everything I had going, going. So a three week recoup time at my parents was a welcome invitation and taking advantage of Airmiles, that had dropped in my lap and were about to expire, too good to miss… so I took the nudge from Goddess and shut up shop. It didn’t make much linear sense, in fact there was no logic to this move at all. I didn’t have much money saved up but clients seemed to always need me when I needed them…. And because they kept showing up when I needed them, they kept proving that Goddess was indeed guiding the way. So I took a major leap of faith, trusting the net would be there to catch me if I fell…. and I jumped….
The degree of letting go in that move was bigger and more dangerous to my precious human self than any other move I’d ever made. But again letting go is a multi layered teacher. I’d dissolved life in Europe after nearly a decade, then life in the states after another five years and now after another several years I was dissolving another life – and this time I was FORTY! I “should” be way more settled, mortgaged up with a house, a couple of kids running around, a husband to love and live with as WELL as a thriving career…. Apart from the Career which currently encompasses my entire life purpose and reason for existence, I had none of that. All I had was Her and a hole in my heart nudging at me to get on a plane….
So I did……
And on that plane… in what I fondly refer to as the time between the times, the time in which we can become very clear on our intentions as we leave one life in the world for the next, while still in the same body…. we get to make clear our intentions. And mine were to continue to let go of that which no longer served me. To stand ALWAYS in my Truth, no matter what. To NEVER be put in a box that didn’t serve the best expression of mySelf. To accept that letting go is a process involving multiple layers of teaching and that the depth of the letting go would be yet to reveal itself….. AND…. to accept that the ‘normal’ definition of success didn’t apply to me…. I was successful simply because I would always insist on walking my Truth and heeding the call of the Goddess within…. even if it meant letting go of everything I knew as familiar and safe – AGAIN.
And I knew it wasn’t going to be easy… and that the only certainty I had, that I could rely upon, was uncertainty.
Well the day after I arrived in the States I got an email in my inbox asking if I’d be interested in what could turn out to be my dream job… and could I meet with them in Los Angeles in the next couple of weeks?! Being suddenly only a few hours drive away – as opposed to 6,000 miles – of course I said yes. Now I’m just waiting for my visa application to be approved and I get to start a whole new way of life back in America. I can’t tell you what the job is yet…. but I’ll tell ya as soon as I can, I promise. For now all I can say is that it will help me help others more.
The final miracle (for this chapter anyway) is to get my work visa application approved… I’ve been waiting two excruciating months now… each day wondering if I’ll hear… eager to start this new role while, at the same time, trying not to be attached, trusting that Goddess knows….. and all is in Divine and perfect order…. as my Zen Master would say “be in Only Don’t Know”…. so I sit and I wait… I trust and I let go as much as I can, as often as I can… and any time I find myself clinging and craving and hoping and wishing and desiring… I remind myself that this too might not be the way…. time will tell. There’s a fine line between being guided by the Universe and letting it push you around like a rudderless boat….
So beautiful souls all your good ju-ju in manifesting that all mighty power of approval will be greatly welcomed. In the meantime, I’m still based out of New Zealand so if you’d like to support my Leap of Faith by letting me help you in your own, then feel free to contact me for Skype sessions. Letting go, cleaning out and making way for the unknown new isn’t the most comfortable ride… but when we connect into that part of us that is guiding and leading the way – the God or Goddess within – then something happens that guides and directs us in miraculous ways… it almost sounds cliche these days to speak this way. But I think too many of us neglect to trust that the cliche has merit… and sometimes we need a little help connecting to the part that can not only HEAR, but also TRUST the God or Goddess within. In this way our boat is never rudderless, instead we are in the flow of a calling that is greater than our conscious minds can ever be aware of in a normal waking state.
So till next time with love and trust