It’s time to get raw and real with what its like trusting the path of Soul – especially when it seems to clash so vividly with the ideas Mind had regarding what life was meant to be like. Coming to terms with what its like to live in the body of a woman that will probably not experience child birth in this life time is, in my own experience and humble opinion, the most challenging yoga of all. I choose not to see it as infertility, but to instead see it as a yoga, for it is certainly a practice that continually and persistently, every single month, with the blood loss of a mini death to mourn, reinforces to me that I will not be experiencing that fullest, deepest sense of what it is like to be “Woman” – a Giver of Life.
At least that’s how I see it from the altitude of one level – and what turns out to be, for me, a limiting, self-punishing perspective.
So from another perspective I’ve come to realize that I have chosen this, from a level deeper than my Woman’s conscious awareness – from the pit of my Soul, this is my karma, and therefore this lifetimes yoga. So there is gold beneath the wounds where there lays this awareness that all is indeed well, and more and more every day of every month it is pushing me out of the phase of monthly yearning followed by mourning and into a phase of monthly creating – out of self punishing and self goading and into a more Collective place beyond my little-me stories.
It turns out my desire to nurture is so friggen strong that to contain it, and accept that I will never do it, is simply not an option for me. I can no longer see each Moon Cycle as another mini death.. instead I choose to experience this path as being driven in an archetypal way…. and in this way I am lured, beyond the limitation and pain of a woman who cannot give birth, by Kali – Lover, Nurturer and Ultimate Giver of Freedom. As the Ultimate Mother, She makes light where there is dark. She gave birth to all of life on Earth. And into that life, through women, her agents on earth, she pours forth every kind of love – which then flows into the world via their actions. She is the one who gave gave birth to the Kali in me and She is the one who now gives the childless Carmel in me her guidance and direction toward a worldview that nurtures, guides and supports the yoga of a not-so-baron-after-all womb.
And so I need an outlet for that nurturing…. and, of course, that outlet has been birthing Her essence into my path in various different ways, for the past few years.
As I dig deeper and deeper into the Soul energy within me… I get this very real connection with Trust, Truth and Freedom…. And what I am trusting is this need, or calling, to Nurture. The Truth I feel in that need or deeper calling empties my cup of all that smothers it from existence and releases me into a pentiment kind of Freedom.
And in that kind of Freedom, I realize I know exactly what I am doing and how I am doing it AND that I already am and have been my entire life – this depth of freedom has always been there. It never comes and goes, just I come and go from it when I live only in my mind and don’t Trust and live in the Truth and wisdom, and apparent madness, of something deeper in my Soul. (Interesting side note: curious about this word “pentiment” that has just spilled forth from my fingers, I Googled it to see if it was indeed the word I was after… turns out that, although I’ve not used the correct artists’ context that it was intended for this Italian based word, I have certainly tuned into the meaning I intended for it… so here is the definition of the anglicised version of ‘pentiment’ – An underlying image in a painting, as an earlier painting, part of a painting, or original draft, that shows through, usually when the top layer of paint has become transparent with age.
Just a couple of weeks out from my 41st birthday, the top layer of egoic paint upon the canvas of my life has finally faded. In its fading wake is revealed this deeper calling from that Original Draft for my lifes work – and all I have to do is lean in and Trust the Truth of this Freedom that again and again calls me forward. I am always, and have always been, exactly where I need to be. All I need to do is keep showing up.
As Kali, I want to bring light into the darkness for the children of the world. And as Carmel, I want to Nurture in the only way this body/mind/heart so far seems able. Everything I have done and continue to do now comes to this part of the path. This is apparently, for now anyway, the Original Canvas laid out by my Soul for this life’s work. My womb is certainly not baron. It is simply guiding my Life Giving Creative energy in another Way… for now, or maybe for this life time… who truly knows?
Who else is sponsoring a child… who else is looking into working in Orphanages? What else can we do? It seems such a huge project… I’m not sure where to start… but this inkling that is arising is a small step in following the tuggings strings of my heart.
Till next time, I hope that as I bear my Soul in all Her rawness, that you too find the inspiration to live more and more fully in the raw realness of your own Soul path. For it is only when we bring light to our dark corners that we see more fully the deeper Truth that has been awaiting us all along. And this is where the Freedom really lives
If you want any one-on-one guidance and support at all via this process of connecting to Soul – which will often challenge you by conflicting with what you had in your human mind as your path – then please do contact me and I would be happy to help. It doesn’t have to be hard. We can make our paths way easier, simply by connecting to Soul and following the call from within… again… it is Surrender that is the path.