And for me, in this week, the endless cycling includes my babies first ever cold… my mortal self is scared… I’ve never spent time with a sick child before, let alone have it be mine. So many triggers… so much stuff coming up… so many fears… feeling unsupported in the subtlest and minute to most ridiculous ways… This is such new ground for me… and it’s getting noisy inside here.
Thank Shiva for these Sutras for they have me stand back and be aware as Awareness itself… to be aware from beyond the triggers… from beyond the stuff… beyond the fears and the feelings of not being supported… beyond all thought… to identify with self as Awareness… as opposed to the incessant drama of thought and that which thinks.
Sally has us ask ourselves one simple question….
“What is it that knows I’m thinking?”
It’s a question that immediately turns Awareness back on itself… and there’s a split moment where all charge drops away and the field of thought which was carrying the heaviness of all the emotions bundled up with the thinking, unfolds like an origami figurine, all structure and form dropping away, returning to it’s original form – a blank piece of paper, laying unformed, still, in pure silence, just ready. And then boom, mind is quiet and I am more than the thoughts I keep having.
Try it… just ask yourself “What is it that knows I’m thinking?” Play with it… especially when you have negative thoughts about your child or your lover or the next door neighbor, thoughts that you also think you shouldn’t be having… it’s all just thoughts…
… but what are thoughts? What if you don’t identify with them as you…
and instead identify with yourself as that which is aware of thoughts.
These sutras have me step more and more into the Play of Self as Divinity Embodied…. to experience myself as God… as Goddess… as Consciousness itself… as Chiti Shakti – the Energy and Power of Consciousness… call it what you like… SHIVA/SHAKTI or God/dess works for me…. but God is just nice and simple… if only it weren’t so loaded?! So here lets use it as a term that is beyond gender… beyond ego entirely. Let’s not humanize the term at all… but instead know God as that which is AWARE…. Awareness ITSELF… a flat piece of paper… a genderless ground or holding container, just ready for whatever is next to arise, stay a while, then dissolve, in a continual cycle of revealing and concealing Truth.
But as I play with this within myself and step back into the awareness of that which knows I’m thinking, that which is AWARE, I am then dropped into another paradox… where I know that all of life is the Play of Chiti Shakti, Consciousness/Awareness/God/dess, and that that which is unfurling in each and every moment is already written – that there is nothing for my small self to do but align and open to the flow of that which is seeking to emerge thru me at this time, as Divinity Embodied in human form: I AM, as me….
Major paradox here:
I have no control and no personal choices to make…
and yet I am to also take full responsibility
for my actions and the life that I lead…..
So as I tend to my sick child and navigate the shit-storm that comes up in my thinking self and ricochets all over my marriage and sisterhood, I find myself with plenty to practice with so that I don’t totally and utterly loose the plot. And this is where the practice of yoga really comes in… especially, I am now finding, as I get deeper into this 24/7 life of being a mama-bear… it’s a 24/7 practice in selflessness… and nothing can prepare you for it… no matter how long you’ve waited for it…
And so, as that which is Aware of all of this, I realize that…
I am God nursing God having the experience of illness.
I am God being God as my hairs in the sink that annoy my husband, also being God.
I am God typing this, wondering where it is going.
I am God picking hairs out of the sink.
I am God experiencing the contraction of tears when my baby God coughs and wails.
I am God fighting with my husband as God.
I am God massaging his sore and painful feet, hoping his resentment will fade in time.
I am God knowing that time heals all wounds, and that this is the hardest time a marriage will ever know.
I am God so grateful for this experience to know such wounding.
I am God grateful for contraction, for in knowing contraction I recognize Light.
I am God laughing at the wonder of uncertainty when I forget who I am.
I am God remembering who I am, just long enough to forget again. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
I am God on the phone so lovingly asking his God wife if an organic remedy might clear our God babies mucous.
I am God confused about his wife’s perception of reality.
I am God loving her husband and all the efforts he makes.
I am God loving his wife and all her wildness.
I am God crying in the next room through a stuffy nose wondering why I’m all alone.
I am God remembering I am never alone.
I am God plumbing the kitchen sink so my wife can have a water filter again.
I am God pouring a cup of tea.
I am God with baggy eyes.
I am God laughing thru his snot.
I am God being innocent.
I am God wondering if that red star in the nights sky is Mars making me fight with my flakey sister…
I am God remembering that she is God too.
I am God hoping Kali doesn’t get her swords out and chop her sisters head off.
I am God forgetting who I am again…
Oh God please stop fucking with me and just make me God again?!
God is crying again in the other room…
I am God remembering that baby God is sick.
I am God in pain.
I am God afraid.
I am God in love.
I am God as Mother.
I am God stuffed into multiple human forms, experiencing innumerable passing moments.
I am God creating, sustaining, dissolving, concealing and revealing; constantly, eternally, with everything.
I am Awareness as God.
And so are you.
Time for another cup of tea…